Note : This was originally written June of 2015. Wow… I don’t even remember when I wrote this. I just so happened to stumble across this today. I have gone back and changed a few words here and there to make it proper tense and such, and have added on more. I will start this post off by saying that I have grown so much since this post was originally written. Around this time, I had a rough time accepting that circumstances change. However, though I knew this then, I can positively without a doubt say this now: a circumstance may change but God doesn’t. Ever. His promises and his love for us never falters. So for those of you who have abandonment issues from your past, present, or whatever it may be, know that you’re never alone in your struggles and you’re not alone in this world. Keep that in mind as you read this post.
“Regretting the past is like insulting the future.”
For a while, I had been under a sort of trance when it came to the problems that I was facing. Sometimes, us humans like to believe that we have the superpower of not feeling pain; like we can dodge it at all times and live life without it. But then something traumatic happens, and you then have no choice but to get down to the real root of your problems… I wish that I could have dodged some bullets a year or so back, but regretting the past is like insulting the future when it’s all said and done. Things in the past happened for a reason and I now embrace the changes that have taken place in my life since then because they were well-needed.
By not admitting that a problem exists… a fear…by simply shoving it under a rug, to let it collect dust makes for a nasty cleanup later. The insecurities associated with feeling like someone is going to leave you to deal with your problems by yourself are real. The pain that comes from trying to debate whether someone will leave you or won’t want to be around you anymore for whatever reason causes mental damage that is sometimes hard to heal from. It’s an event that caused me to create feelings of hostility towards people that I love without even realizing that my fear of abandonment was why I lashed out so hard in the first place.
Abandonment is something that we are too ashamed to talk about because we think that it is too unlikely to happen, or something that shouldn’t be second guessed. We don’t want to sound unrealistic or dramatic. It’s a word that causes so much pain, confusion and mental wildfire and therefore should not be hidden away.
Abandonment to me is one of the core reasons as to why people leave the church, rebel or don’t want to pursue a relationship with God or with the community. Some event, whether it was household abuse, neglect and so forth causes them to feel as though not one person cares, and that their relationships are superficial and can be easily torn apart. A great example would be my [previous] roommate, who has tendencies that you would not expect would come from her. Like me, her father was a pastor of a congregation, and so you would naturally think that the family would have strong roots in the Lord and were living the lifestyle accordingly. She was a homosexual with strong drinking/partying tendencies, and because of it, we haven’t been seeing eye to eye. One week, she mentioned her dad; commenting on how he could lead a congregational flock, but not his own household when she was younger. I could immediately sense a feeling of neglect and abandonment, and realized that some of my actions lately had been because I was afraid that in some of my current friendships, the same thing might happen to me.
One day, in the midst of all of the emotional turmoil, I just sat and thought long and hard about why I was acting the way I was; why I was making careless decisions, trying to run from the people that loved me. And shortly after, God made the answer become extremely clear; that I was running from not only the people in my life who wanted to help me, but I was ultimately running from Him. I didn’t want to be the one who was left behind; I wanted to leave them first before they had the chance to let me down. I did not accept that He DID intentionally place the people in my life that he did for a reason, whether temporary or permanent. So I chose to run away from it all.
Needless to say, this is not the right way to handle those emotions. I’d like to say that sometimes we make things worse for ourselves by simply overthinking but also by trying to run from God and his well-planned provisions for us. I’ve had people close to me distance themselves for the same reasons I did; to try and avoid the sting of feeling like someone no longer wants you, even if this is an inaccurate misrepresentation of what’s really going on.
“Be strong and courageous, do not be afraid or tremble at them, for the LORD your God is the one who goes with you He will not fail you or forsake you.” Deuteronomy 31:6
But here’s the kicker: God has promised to stay with us. Even when we screw up and we feel the unworthiness of ourselves seeping through our bones, the guilt and the shame, and the filthiness catching us by the throat and making us grossly aware of our sin nature- God still wants us. He treasures us. He adopted us. Don’t take this lightly. You have a guaranteed lifeguard and a guaranteed friend if you will just follow him. Once you are secure in this fact, remind yourself over and over again. You are loved. You are wanted. You are God’s.