I can’t apologize. To apologize would mean that I am not human; that I don’t need time. Time to breathe, time to think, time to just sit and listen to words that match my story lyric by lyric. I need that time.
I won’t apologize. I do not feel the urge. I do not feel the necessity. Everyone has their season and this is mine. I am not sorry. I am not supposed to be. If I apologize, it means that I have done something wrong. All I have done is exercise my right to be alone. To be free from the obligations of society; from having to put on the front that my life is put together when it feels like parts of my life have been placed in a bottle and dropped off into the sea, never to be found again for a thousand years. Let me find those pieces, without the distractions. I wish to be made whole again.
Apology means regret. I do not regret my decision to step back. It was imperative that I did so. The prompt realization of what drives me-to my worst AND to my best…needed to be apprehended and stopped in its tracks. The crime of deceit in the face of my friends… my family… was starting to become too much. Was it selfish to retreat? Maybe. But don’t we all have that selfish complex? Regardless of how it is presented, we are selfish in some fashion, whether that is by taking the time of a friend in order to be reconciled by them, by our family, knowing that they’ll always be there to console you in your worst moments and so forth. My selfishness lies in the desperation for me to be at peace within myself while out of the face of the public; the year was not the best it could have been nor should have been. Some of this was of my own doing and some of it was not, which ultimately forced me to face unwanted circumstances. Circumstances that tore me up, inside and out, and forced me to wake up and regroup. So to regret doing what was best for me would be in fact lunatic, and a hypocrisy for anyone else to get upset about. We all have our ways of handling our situations. This is how I chose to do it.