Good Morning.


“Good morning.”

I sit up, look out the window. It doesn’t look good outside. It’s been storming a lot lately.

I throw on some clothes.

I go to the bathroom, brush my teeth.

I go to the kitchen. Two eggs, a packet of grits and a piece of toast. That’s what I want.

Back to the bathroom. “Does this shirt make me look bigger than normal?”

I walk back into my room. Change clothes.

I come back out to the kitchen area. “Okay. One egg, a piece of toast, and orange juice. Sounds a little less heavy.”

This is the new desire of the morning.

While the egg is frying, I go back to the bathroom mirror. Turn sideways.

This multi-patterned legging makes me look stretched out. Too wide.

Back to my room for a third change.

I quickly go back to the kitchen, where my ideal meal awaits. Toast is done, egg is finished, all that’s left is the orange juice.

“There sure is a lot of sugar in that orange juice.” I think I’ll opt for water.

Water it is. This is what I want. An egg, a dry piece of toast and a glass of water.

I look outside again. The day looks less dreary now, the rain has ceased.

Actually, it was never storming.

The storm symbolizes how I feel some days when it comes to my relationship with food. The storm is the inner turmoil that takes place when I want the control; I crave it. If I don’t feel in control, then the day starts off full of sorrow and dampened with the pain of facing the day without a release. Food is my release. When I feel in control, it is as if the rain has stopped, the clouds have disappeared, and life can continue as normal.

I’m not going to lie. This blog post was thought about years before it was even written. For those who know me… who REALLY know me. I’m struggling. I’m struggling big time. I have been for a while now. I try to be discreet majority of the time, but I’m learning that sometimes, it’s okay to be open about what plagues you. So here goes:

        Most of you might have tried to get to know me recently. Or, I’ll even say over the past year or so. And I’ve shut you out. You didn’t hear from me, I didn’t respond to your message… when you ask how I am, I usually say “fine”, or I give you a look that you simply can’t interpret as good or bad. I think I’ve gotten good at this… being so secretive about my issues, that all people can do is stare and wonder about what’s going on in my life. What’s really going on.  I say none of this for attention, as these accounts are real, my story and my struggle is real, and the attention that comes with that is not on me. I wouldn’t wish this kind of “attention” on anyone.

        2010 started me down a wicked spiral of having an eating disorder. Several to be exact. I started out with full blown bulimia…. Imagine this type of disordered eating while trying to maintain a competitive mentality as well as physique for track and cross country. It was a gruesome year, as I was steadily falling apart and not understanding proper coping mechanisms after my father’s unemployment upsets took our house by storm, and tore up whatever pieces of trust and self-worth that I had. I was swept away in guilt, anger and revenge.

        Fast forward to college, where for the first two years, I was having the time of my life. I had all of the friends that I could possibly ever need, and I felt invincible with them at my side. I was out of the verbally abusive household and finally started to see some of the more pleasant moments in life. However, sadly, all good things must come to an end; emotions took control, and whirlwinds of chaos took precedent in a once glorious escape from reality and true  adulthood. I didn’t know what to do with this abrupt change, just as I hadn’t when my father turned our world upside-down. So I resorted to some of my own tactics… my own “coping” mechanisms to get the release that I so desperately craved after all of the emotional damage and stress.

        So fast forward to now. I am trying to rebuild what I once knew, and I’m learning how to truly love myself again. It is extremely hard… harder than one can ever imagine… I now primarily struggle with anorexia and over-exercising, and have been formally diagnosed with anxiety disorder. I suppose that many of you might have already figured some of this out. I know that everything comes to the light sooner or later, and so with that in mind, as well as the reasons for my openness, I chose to make known something that is so personal to me, something that needs deep prayer. And to let you know that I am actively fighting, though some days are harder than others. By no means does this mean that I am perfect, and trust me- I have a LONG way to go. Every single day is an absolute struggle. To wake up and not want to fully attack my body through overdoing it at the gym, while damaging my heart and my emotional well-being in the process. To not want to immediately go to the gym after a regular meal, or even to just not feel guilty about it.

What I need you to understand is this: Eating disorders are NOT just concerning looks, that doesn’t even begin to cover this debilitating illness. They concern how you wish to portray yourself in the face of others. You want to look perfect, to be perfect. It concerns having power- when every other aspect of your life is being controlled by someone else, or by circumstances that are out of your control, at least you have this. At least you have something that nobody can take away from you. This is yours. You can choose what goes into your body, when it does, and why. However, this eating disorder is not just yours. It’s your friends and family’s eating disorder as well. Your loved ones… It affects them just as much as it affects you. Because they don’t know how to help. They see you suffering, and they wish that they could take that pain away. They can’t. They can watch it tear you up limb by limb… they can listen, and hear you out as to why you do what you do… but they can’t “fix” you. They can’t strap you down, force you to eat, and stop you from going to the gym to purge in that way. They can tell you over and over again that it’s going to be okay, but will it? Will it actually, “all work out?”. And the answer that I’ve come up with is no. It will NOT just go away, the habits will NOT just cease. It takes effort. And prayer. More prayer. More action. More guidance. Trust me, I feel like I’ve done it all. I’ve taken it easy, not gone to the gym for a bit, then went regularly while maintaining an actual healthy diet. All of that helped for a while. I’ve gone to counseling on and off, and just felt like I already knew the facts that they had set before me. I have read hundreds of inspirational stories and have gained hope from them… and then shortly after, a “bad week” hits, and I am back to square one, all hope lost. Like I said, it’s never easy. This illness is one that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. Nobody deserves this. It’s brutal. It shows no mercy and will consume every part of you. Some days, I am terrified to leave the house, because of social events that center around food, or because of some situation that will potentially cause me to re-route my gym plans. It would seem that the habits and mind-set that one has while struggling with are ingrained within them, chiseled bone-deep it would seem.

This disease truly captures the worst parts of life, mixes it all up and makes it hard to sort through what’s real, and what’s imaginary.  This illness is not imaginary, however; man, do I really wish it was. To say all of this is to say that I am human. My demons will cause me to falter like everyone else’s. The difference this time is that I choose to be transparent. I’m choosing to not accept defeat; to not intentionally let this illness get the best of me. Every day, I think that I am worse off than the day before, but then I realize that I still have a heartbeat. I am living. I have another chance by the grace of God to conquer this thing, and move on with life. Deep down, I know that I have not given up. And I won’t. I see myself now, and it’s scary. Body dysmorphia usually has me thinking that I am way bigger than I really am, which is ultimately not the case. I truly don’t see what everyone else sees. However, lately I have been able to truly see myself and my heart for what it really is; broken. My heart aches knowing that if this continues, the road to 100% recovery will be that much harder. So I’m asking whoever reads this to first of all, be in prayer for this twisted journey that I wish to get through in one piece. At the same time, I ask that you treat me no differently; I know that this will be the case; I wish for this to be common knowledge, but not a reason to be afraid to talk to me or invite me out to things on account of my struggles.

I also want you to know that no struggle is too big or small. Know that you are not alone, and that God truly meant it when He said that you cannot keep your burdens to yourself and carry them alone. I’m finally doing that, giving my burdens to my friends and family,  being honest with myself, as well as with others, and I encourage you to do the same. The church is the most populated hospital in the world. In some way, we are all broken. That truth will never change.  I hope that by sharing this, that first, it serves as accountability to myself, as I do plan to make full recovery, whatever that entails. And to also let you guys know that I am also here, praying for you, and 100% here if you need anything, or just need to chat. I love you guys, and will continue to pray for you, as I hope you will do with me.

Oils are NOT just a fad. They work.

Okay, so yes. Yes, I have hit the “essential oil” craze. Yes, I was suppperrr uber sketched out about them originally. I mean, if they work so well for so many ailments, then why are we just now hearing about them? Why do I hear so much talk about Doterra and Young Living in particular? Sounds like a scheme to me. Well, I’m a newbie at all of this oils jazz, but let me tell you; I’M HOOKED. I have waited to post any type of blog about it because I didn’t want to stay in the hype without determining whether it actually deserved my time. And truth be told, it does. Oh yes, it does. Oils are a FANTASTIC way to avoid all of the chemical filled; intestinal-tract-damaging medicines that we put into our bodies, sometimes on a weekly basis. I’m going to briefly go over what I have discovered in a matter of weeks, and JUST how much essential oils should be a part of your regimen. Now of course, the select few things that I am going to talk about today only covers a  tiny spec (like maybe .01 percent) of what each of these oils can actually do, because I am still buying oils I have never tried, and have yet to do with them all that I plan to in the near future. Nonetheless, here is my experience with just three of them.oils


Peppermint oil. Headaches are a part of life. Sometimes, they are unavoidable and leave you feeling icky for hours, especially with no aspirin on hand. However, I was told that peppermint actually helps eliminate your headache so that you can live life as usual without the whole day being put on pause. Sure enough, a friend of mine (who actually is the one responsible for my oil madness) gave me a drop of peppermint oil (which should have probably been diluted; oh well), and told me to rub it on each temple. After maybe 5 minutes, the headache ceased. Mind you, this is faster than aspirin by a good 25 minutes. I was shocked. Not to mention, at another point in time, I was experiencing heartburn over at her house which causes me to feel nauseous. I took a drop or two in water and the symptoms calmed down tremendously!


Cedarwood and Lavender. Cedar wood is one of my favorite oils so far because it has a woody tone and is amazing to just wear as-is. The smell alone is worth the buy for me, and this oil is very affordable. Though lavender is slightly costlier, it has so many versatile benefits such as aiding with sleep, reducing inflammation, and so on. This year and last, stress has caused me to break out in the ever persistent eczema, which causes my arms to become red and inflamed from the itchiness that causes me to scratch all day long. I was recently told to take a drop of cedar wood and a drop of lavender and apply it to areas that needed it. I did and I can now count the number of times that I have scratched in the past 48 hours! Considering I was scratching at least 20 times a day before, it has now gone down to about 2-3 if even. And also, who doesn’t want to smell like a woody forest all day? Cedar wood also promotes relaxation and calmness so you can see why this oil is heavily used.


Also, I have NOT been endorsed to promote Doterra, I am just expressing my new found love for oils, and have been slowly discovering so much of what they have to offer. I will continue to write more blogs specifically as they pertain to me, and as I use oils for more specific things but remember that if you truly are skeptical of oils like I was, just read up and THEN try them for yourself! You will see that a lot of these oils have scientific research and evidence behind them, as well as thousands of testimonials from many pleased oil users. It is not just a fad, its real, and the benefits are astounding.

Be the Isolated llama: Social Media Elimination

One of my best friends calls me “llama” for anyone who hasn’t picked up that this is one of my many nicknames. And that picture does relate.. kind of… (I MADE it tie in because I really do admire llamas teehee) Anyways, I am attempting to lay a foundation for all of my other posts by giving some background information, so this post will be doing just that. More specifically, let’s talk about social media usage. Clearly, we have all jumped on the “have-you-seen-it-on Instagram, Snapchat or Facebook bandwagon” because what the majority of millennials really focus on now-a-days is keeping up with each other through these platforms, as well as some lesser known, sketchier methods of “communication” (if we can even call it that…). And though I love using these platforms just like the other 25 billion people (an over-dramatic guesstimation, I know), a few months ago, I reached my cap with a bit of it for several personal reasons. Snapchat and Instagram (besides for photography) are no longer being utilized and I am going to share with you why:


To sum it all up, it was a way for me to “show my best side.” You know you do it too, don’t play; doing or saying something over and over on camera, scripted perfectly, at the most convenient angle so that people could see how funny and entertaining your life is, how “cute” you are, and overall changing your personality to match that of which you think other people want to see from you. Now trust me, I never went ALL out, but of course, the random, spur-of-the-moment pictures I had planned to post quickly turned into “are people going to think my head looks funny if my body is facing this way?”, or “should I apply make-up before snapchatting me and my 100th cup of Starbucks?” This sounds terrible (because really, it is). The most common themes I see on Snapchat and Instagram are:

  • Coffee
  • Food
  • Pets
  • Gym
  • Selfies
  • Selfies with makeup
  • Selfies in nature
  • Selfies with “no filter”… get it?

With Twitter and Instagram, the same thing applies. Twitter becomes useless: No, I’m sorry, but I do NOT want to see the updates on your toilet life, the weather, the latest show you’re binge-watching or your food endeavors. It becomes excessive, and instead of being useful, we are confined to updating people on the most minute and unimportant details of our lives…

So why am I contributing to this? There is no good answer here. Its’s a waste of time and contributes to boosting our own self-esteem… temporarily. Are you finding your satisfaction in the brief moment of “looking flawless” or being without flaws spiritually because of the Savior who redeemed you, making you clean and perfect in His eyes? (Disclaimer- I AM TALKING TO MYSELF ALSO, DO NOT THINK THAT I BY ANY MEANS AM IMPLYING THAT I AM PERFECT, THIS IS TO JUST GET US THINKING AND ALERT HERE.) If we want to talk about how much time we DON’T have, then constantly staying on and adding to your Snapchat story must be considered.

None of this was meant to come across as harsh, but I do think that some of our problem is that we are sugar-coating reality. It is okay to use social media, but at least every once in a while, do something meaningful with it. I am preaching to myself here, the struggle is real and I know that. But, the amount of productivity I have had by eliminating Snapchat, Twitter and Instagram (besides my photography account) has been SO beneficial. I wish to do the same thing with Facebook, but for now, I’m trying to take it one goal at a time. That’s all for now!

Photography and Change

It’s been a while since I’ve been able to sit down and blog! I have so much to talk about! A few of you might have noticed that I have stepped back when it comes to my social life. I promise, it’s not you, it’s me- wait. Is this a break-up? Anyways, I have been discovering SO much in terms of my photography, and new ideas surface day-by-day. Recently, reality actually hit me that if I play my cards right (which I have full intention of doing), then I will craft what I love to do into almost full income within the next couple of years… and this excites me. It excites me because I’m taking a leap of faith and taking a plunge into an area that I never thought would be so huge in my life. Photography keeps me grounded. It’s something that I love all aspects of: From the planning, to the trials and errors of poses, the post-editing… It relaxes me. Gets me out of whatever storm I’m currently in and redirects me towards a more peaceful shore. It makes me joyous to have a session coming up and to know that the rest of that day will consist of coffee, Spotify, and my computer screen with the raw images flashing, ready to be edited, critiqued and perfected (to the best of my current ability, I have such a long way to go!).


I want to say a big “Thank-You” to those who have believed in me from the first day I bought my first camera. For those who gave me tips, but especially the words of encouragement that I needed to keep at it. I was given the confidence that I needed to keep exploring and accomplished SO much in the first year alone. You guys have humbled me and have made me appreciate you all the more.

It is only March, and so far, I have officially been booked for 3 weddings, which has given me overwhelming joy. To some who are more advanced in their careers, they might think that’s nothing, but for me, if I finish the year only having done 3 weddings, I can STILL say that it is more than the year before, which is an accomplishment all by itself!

Due to photography, as well as other life altering (and partly brutal) circumstances that have occurred over the past few years, and especially during the last few months, I have had to rediscover myself. It was inevitable, I had avoided certain truths for a very long time and ultimately, I had to make personal decisions for myself that stung at first, but was found to be well-needed and extremely beneficial for me. Through pain and tears, thought, and then second guessing conclusions, as well as the triumphs, I am redefining who I am and truly digging into what I wish to see from myself and this world. I have many goals that were not once there before, and my personality has almost taken a full 360 to get to the point that I have gotten to now in this journey, which I cannot regret in the least. I am very much aware as of recently that many had picked up on this personality change before I did, because for a while, I didn’t see the change in myself that everyone else did. Many also did not know what to think of it, whether it was temporary, permanent, good or bad. When I first realized it, I didn’t know what to think either, so you’re not alone. I will tell you that IF you were/are one of the ones concerned, do not worry. I am fine, I will be fine and am steadily trying to work towards balance and overall life-stability. Of course, I lean on God during my troubled times, but I also have a very small , very amazing network of people who I trust to pick me up when I fall, and to help me unravel and understand some of what I might not see by myself. I am forever grateful for them and always have been.

So there you have it, an update from yours truly. I hope to blog a lot more over the upcoming months so stay tuned, as I figure out what God has in store for me in the months and years to come. I love you all(:

The Whole 30-College Edition


So you might be thinking “So what has Bree been up to?”, or something of the sort (or not because you know, it’s just me and you do have a life teehee). Well I can tell ya. I have been working on my photography business, and am in school full time as well as a full time employee at 2 different jobs, bible study leader and running maniac. Sums it up. To add more to the plate (literally this time hahaha) recently, my roommate and I decided to take on the Whole 30 program, for the health benefits as well as the motivation to actually go through with it, because it is definitely not easy. Adding to the fact that we are college/grad students who have the most busiest schedules known to man, it makes it that much more challenging. I also chose to do this because I would love to have information to pass on to others who are going on their own fitness journey and need a little help on the way. As many of you know, I am a big fitness and health food junkie who is always trying to expand her knowledge on these topics. Throughout the course of the month, I plan to give an update blog as to what has been working, what hasn’t, and the overall process of how to get started and continue the program when you feel like quitting. This will also serve as partial self- accountability on my part since I would love to end the program with a BANG! So here goes.

For those of you who don’t know what the Whole-30 is exactly, I’ll give a quick rundown. Basically, you are limited to the three main types of foods; meat, fruits, and vegetables, with certain oils and nuts on the side as needed.These things need to be in their purest form; no extra sugar added (salt is allowed), nothing processed, and no dairy. You then eat these things for a solid 30 days and should you slip up, you start over. Now, mind you, at first, I thought that this was impossible but with a little bit of patience, trial and error and pinterest (yes, pinterest), things are starting to look on the bright side. Some initial lessons I learned goes as followed:

  • Plan plan plan  in advance. This is CRUCIAL. I am out and about all day, every day at two different jobs until 5:30 pm, and so i is not easy to turn back around, go home and make food because I didn’t set aside time for it. So make sure should you decide to do this program that you make the time to prepare meals, because you can’t go to a fast food chain and just pick something up. That my friend, is called cheating and is no excuse. I set aside my afternoon 2-3 times a weeks to prepare at least 2-3 days worth of food.
  • OVER PACK your lunch. I’m serious. Veggies and fruits go straight through me. No, really, I’m hungry shortly after I consume these things which is why it’s important that you carry several types of fruit/snacks on you at all times, as well as a meat or protein that is allowed. And luckily, you are allowed to eat the good meats of course, such as chicken, steak, fish, etc (even BACON  without sugar, but in moderation). Originally I did a “mock trial” of the whole 30, just to get me started on tips and tricks to go by once we actually started the program. I QUICKLY discovered that the food I was bringing with me to get through my day was not enough, so for those of you who have busy schedules, keep this in ind. It is better to OVER PACK than to UNDER PACK.
  • Pinterest is your friend. I am a very visual person, and go straight to pinterest when I am stuck on how to make food interesting. I don’t have to follow recipes word for word, but having variety at my fingertips makes it an easier and faster process to get what I need. For instance, looking at pinterest for whole- 30 ideas resulted in me baking a breakfast casserole which was quite yummy! I have also made tuna and chicken salad in nice sized quantities, and have found a few whole 30 approved sweets (such as lara bars) to keep my sweet tooth in check.

That’s all for now! So far this is day 5 of the whole 30 and Jaimie and I are both hanging in there. Stay with us as we try and get through this thing!


I do not know how 2017 is going to look. But this is an early post on what I wish to achieve throughout. I have been coming up with a set of goals, and am praying that I can find the willpower to stick to them. The list might grow or shrink but for now, I have a pretty solid idea as to how I would like things to go. And though I know that my plan is not God’s, and His plan is not mine, things might not happen as I would like, so I will try to keep in mind throughout that this plan is subject to change at any moment.  So here are some of the things that I wish to achieve in this upcoming year:

  1. I wish to be more patient. When I do not understand someone’s logic or when I sense that someone has done me wrong, I tend to anger very fast. I want to focus on trying to see everything through another’s lens. I do this already but would like to have an open mind on this in particular when it comes to giving advice or just trying to help a fellow friend in need.
  2. I wish to be more financially responsible. As one of my blogs mentioned, I love to spend money on all things “new”, which contributes to part of my anxiety because I do not feel financially stable. Everyone’s dream is to be financially stable, and I have kind of the same vision but not on a big scale. I just wish to have enough saved back so that if something out of the blue happens- whether that is with my car, an emergency doctor’s visit, that I am not left panicking . Having a back-up plan is always nice.
  3. I wish to spend more time doing what I love. My photography is my baby. I love to come up with new concepts and have them acted out through photos. If I had it my way, I would be doing photography full time, which is what I actually plan to do within the next few years. This is a passion that is just now starting to develop into the beautiful way of expression that I wanted it to be all along. It is a perfect year to start to really concentrate on making it all that it can be; making it my own in the journey.

So cheers. To a successful start to the year, and here’s to the year being the most productive one yet.

I won’t apologize.

I can’t apologize. To apologize would mean that I am not human; that I don’t need time. Time to breathe, time to think, time to just sit and listen to words that match my story lyric by lyric. I need that time.

I won’t apologize. I do not feel the urge. I do not feel the necessity. Everyone has their season and this is mine. I am not sorry. I am not supposed to be. If I apologize, it means that I have done something wrong. All I have done is exercise my right to be alone. To be free from the obligations of society; from having to put on the front that my life is put together when it feels like parts of my life have been placed in a bottle and dropped off into the sea, never to be found again for a thousand years. Let me find those pieces, without the distractions. I wish to be made whole again.

Apology means regret. I do not regret my decision to step back. It was imperative that I did so.  The prompt realization of what drives me-to my worst AND to my best…needed to be apprehended and stopped in its tracks. The crime of deceit in the face of my friends… my family… was starting to become too much. Was it selfish to retreat? Maybe. But don’t we all have that selfish complex? Regardless of how it is presented, we are selfish in some fashion, whether that is by taking the time of a friend in order to be reconciled by them, by our family, knowing that they’ll always be there to console you in your worst moments and so forth. My selfishness lies in the desperation for me to be at peace within myself while out of the face of the public; the year was not the best it could have been nor should have been. Some of this was of my own doing and some of it was not, which ultimately forced me to face unwanted circumstances. Circumstances that tore me up, inside and out, and forced me to wake up and regroup. So to regret doing what was best for me would be in fact lunatic, and a hypocrisy for anyone else to get upset about. We all have our ways of handling our situations. This is how I chose to do it.